On Marking 50

This year, April 27, 2026 to be exact, I turned 50 years old. And unlike other birthdays which were just another mile on the odometer to me … this one mattered a lot to me.

I’ve told people, I haven’t been this excited about a birthday since I was 16 and got to drive and had freedom to go and explore.

And for months, I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to do to mark 50 years on the odometer. To reflect, to remember.

Dare I say … celebrate.

To find the things and people that help me come alive. To remember the best of the last that would become the seeds for the next.

The last 7-8 years of my life have been tough. I sold a business. I left the team. I started new ones and new teams. I took a job for the first time in almost 20 years. I bottomed out. I burned out. I broke down. I had to confront death as I tipped “over the hill.” To try to learn to embrace this thing called the Middle.

But underneath all of that was some really really deep inner work. Unearthing that which Jung called the unconcious. Going into the deep and often dark parts of myself. To understand myself …. and to hopefully start to like, then love myself more and more.

I can say today … I do.

I can feel the warm sun coming up in my life as I write this from my Back Porch.

It doesn’t mean that there isn’t dark and tough …. but I’ve chased and followed every lead that would help me “fix” at first what was there …. and now so, more so accepting and loving what I’ve found and continue to find there.

Me.

From shamans, to therapists, to my fellow humans who I call friends and family … this year is about Emerging.

The biggest lesson I think I’ve learned …. is the end is the beginning. And the beginning is the end. Life is cycles and seasons. We evolve and grow through them … and so did I.

The ups and downs …. were necessary. Years ago I would have said that begrudingly. Now I say them with humble and simple gratitude.

The words in these circles is “wholeness” and “authentic self.” And for most of that I kept saying, “What the fuck does that mean?” It was baffling. I’ve felt and intended to be authentic and made a brand and reputation of it.

I read. I sought advice and guidance. I journaled a bunch. To find answers. To find a path that would lead me to a more balanced, solid place in life to move from.

But there was more … much more.

The unconcious, the dark, the past …. the shadow … held more than I’d imagine.

On my birthday, on April 27, 2019, in the hardest bottoming out week of my life, I witnessed a new day in my life at Crater Lake watching the sunrise over that temple of beauty.

Most around me probably don’t fully realize why Crater Lake seems like an obsession to me. My mom made a stained glass version of it that I walk through every day in my home office. I wear a Crater Lake hat most days. I have photos and mugs and 3d printed version of it in my office.

Because Crater Lake is a symbol of my story. It tells my story tragically and beautifully. And last year I got to go back after WordCamp US and be there again with a totally new perspective of myself and life.

I called it Broken Beauty. It holds both grief and joy. And that’s what I felt going back.

The great BOTHAND.

Crater Lake was once a mountain called Mount Mazama by the indigenous peoples. But it was really a volcano. One day 7000+ years ago, that volcano erupted and blew up the mountain. Rock and debris everywhere …. and it collapsed into itself.

Devastation, destruction. Like that stained glass my mom made me … never to be put back together again like it once was.

And then …. slowly, very slowly, over time, rain and snow start to seep into the crater.

And the mountain became a lake.

One of the deepest in the world. Filled with blood blue water that is enchanting to look at.

That’s my story. Over the last 7 years. Maybe my life.

What once was … is no longer … and now, something new, something else emerges.

I cling to it because it is hope. It’s a vision and an aim for my life I follow every day.

I see and reflect on all of this …. and in particular the lake. And think: Compassion.

I’ve read all the books, talked to incredible people to understand that …. for myself.

I can freely give it to so many others, but the one I see in the mirror.

But like the water seeping in …. every day is a new day. The sun comes up. A little more water, a little more compassion slowly drips into me. And I’m thankful. To be alive. To be .. just me.

So for my 50th … I wanted to mark all of this. Me, my life, my experiences. And why I’m now writing my blog post about the epic trip that marked this for me.

Earlier this year, the point, the aim of the trip became apparent to me — Black Elk Peak and the fire watch lookout tower that sits atop it. The highest point in the US east of the Rocky Mountains.

And I knew … that’s where and how I wanted to mark this birthday.

My dad gave me the inspiration for it several years ago …. the Badlands and the Black Hills. But the cosmos gave me Black Elk Peak, through a book about a Lakota shaman the peak is named for.

But what I thought would happen …. was vastly different. And dare I say, more full, more whole. It wasn’t the peak. It was everything and everyone around the peak that was the point and the joy and the memories of it all, namely my wife Lindsey who went with me.

I don’t want this post to be another post about just sharing my photos of the trip. I want to share some of the immense meaning, surprising meaning, that came from this incredible trip.

I haven’t edited this like I usually do … it’s not polished. It’s raw. I don’t want to and will not apologize for that. It’s just me and my experiences right here.

One more note …. along this whole journey … I discovered Astrology. I’ve rarely shared it with others, except those closest to me. But it’s become a compass to navigate …. but it doesn’t give you the map. That’s what you do. That’s what I’ve done. Astrology has given me a symbolic language to understand more of my life, the cycles and seasons … it’s not the end or an oracle, it was never meant to be that. It’s simply a way the ancients used in almost every culture to make sense of their lives. And it has mine. Deeply.

Just like the ancients who used the stars to navigate the oceans or unknown lands … or simply the way back home. That’s how I’ve used it. And so thankful for it.

This is all about the Return. And returning. And this week is my Chiron Return. And it unfolded beautifully.

There are simply no way to thank everyone who has been a guide to me …. a friend to me … and just there for me. But I want to name a few. For just loving me. Caring for me. Being there for me. Seeing me. Accepting me. Listening to me. And most of all, helping me see what I could not see myself.

• Lindsey, my wife – my partner in life and best roadtrip and hiking buddy ever, my Venus
• Caloway and Lillian, my kids – the best teachers I’ve ever had and will ever have
• Kelly (my coach for the last 8 years), Trent (counselor), Naomi (shaman), Therese (cranial sacral therapist who helped me understand my body and heal), Candi and Tiffany (my plant medicine guides 3 times), Dr. Michael Barta (friend and mentor), and last but not least, Dr. Sherry Young, for swinging open the door to Recovery and this incredible journey I’ve been on because you opened that door.
• Travis and Lou, Matt and Shonda – my beloved gift of brothers and sisters
• Papa Leo and Papa Clyde – my grandfathers and lanterns in the sky
• Brad, AJ, Rod, Justin, Mike G., Zach, Jess, Rebecca – friends who are Brothers and Sisters
• Pam aka Gigi, my beloved ShaMom, who opened a big door for me in this and just loved me … and has been there every step of the way … and Nana T
• DJ, the best boss I’ll ever have, and Katie, my friend and incredible work partner … and Paul, who just saw me after I took off my entrepreneurial helmet and didn’t know what I’d do as a job.
• My dad, David …. for just showing up … for being the right dad for me.
• My mom, Char … for just showing up … for being the right mom for me.

I love you and thank you all.

Now … here goes.

Take what you need … and leave the rest.

Back to Tulsa for Volleyball

In 2000 I moved to Tulsa, actually Broken Arrow, to be the education editor for the Broken Arrow Daily Ledger. And it led to a string of cool jobs that came next.

Tulsa is where my career started to take off.

But one of the loves and passions I got to stoke in Tulsa was: volleyball.

It’s my favorite sport. All-time.

I started playing sand volleyball at Acacia Fraternity house at the University of Central Oklahoma … and that bug bite me hard and didn’t let go.

When I moved to Tulsa, a couple of fraternity brothers and I would hang out …. and play sand volleyball at their apartment complex.

Then I subbed for an indoor YMCA team. And it was so much fun. And I wanted to play more indoor.

And one day I asked one of the really really good foundational players — Janet — how I could learn to get better at the game.

She said: Come be a coach at Team Tulsa. (She was the director).

I said: No no, Janet … I said LEARN, not coach. I need to learn a lot about volleyball. I’ve barely played indoor.

Again: Yeah …. come be a coach.

And that’s how I ended up being an assistant coach for an 8th Grade Girls Club Volleyball team and savored and cherished that whole experience. (Years later, one of those girls worked with me at iThemes and it was such a full circle – the loop of life – moment for me. She told me all of those girls ended up getting college scholarships including her! And I just got to root them on … because they taught me so much!)

And then promptly recruited my fellows coaches to the YMCA league and won the championship two seasons in a row. I was the weak leg on that team, but hey, I’m a leftie!

This, you should know, was and will be the highlight of my sports career. I was a late bloomer. So I hit my sports pinnacles in my late 20s. And you bet …. I kept those championship Y shirts for 15 years and wish I still had them.

OK then … so after that I played off and on until probably 10 years ago. The fire had gone cold. (Except for Quayball during the pandemic. Sorry, Linds!)

Then last summer, my girl, my daughter, my sweetheart, Lillian, who I call Lil J, goes: “Hey daddy, wanna practice volleyball in the back yard?”

I must have blacked out but when regained consciousness … it was real ….

And that first ask turned into practicing all summer in the backyard between the trees and our house – maybe 10 feet x 15 feet of practice space. Over and over, getting our platform down. Starting to set a little bit. But platform, platform, platform. Religiously. How many times could we keep it going.

Candidly, I’ve spent a whole lot of energy just trying to keep my shit together in excitement for the last year so I deserve an award … but I set in my mind that I would only let HER ask me to go practice. It’s her thing and she leads it.

But two basic skills you need in volleyball: Platform/Pass. Serve/Hit.

Master those and you’ve got the game. It’s what throw and catch is to baseball. Dribbling and shooting to basketball.

We worked on them like this: Platform Platform Platform … Serve, Hit. More platform.

Which she did (and we did) relentlessly and sometimes had to say, “Honey, I’m tired and sore.” This then verging-on-50-year-middle-aged dad here had to start getting in shape. Which I did. It was such a kickstart to exercise, just moving more. And I did a bunch of it.

Then at the end of the summer she said she wanted to be on a team … and for me to coach. A couple months later, she tried out and was invited to two club volleyball teams. And chose Elite OKC. And I asked if they needed an assistant coach.

My Proudest Dad/Coach Moment was telling the coaches afterward that it was the first time she set foot on a volleyball court. To some astonished faces.

SHE did that. First and foremost. That credit is her hard work and natural talent (her mom), practicing over and over and over and over of her own accord. And I’m so incredibly proud of her for all the work she’s put in over the last year.

And also … we did that.

Together.

So I went through coaching training and became the assistant coach for her Elite OKC 11 Gold team …. which brings me back to Tulsa.

The start of my trip wasn’t supposed to be in Tulsa.

But because of some calendar things, my 50th trip was going to START …. at the END of our volleyball season this year.

At Regionals in Tulsa.

And after our final match, I said my team goodbyes ….. and hugged my little girl tightly, with tears in her eyes and mine …. and walked out to go to the Tulsa airport to fly to Boulder.

You know, there’s so much I want to say about all of this …. but here are a couple of notes of why this is so important.

• I complained and moaned and groaned about it all … it was a big time and energy commitment … it was frustrating at times …. and it was hilarious and fun at times … and ….. I loved it all. I’m so glad I got to do it. And that I finished the season with them. And made my contribution. And learned so much about leadership, and coaching and grew so much because of it and those girls, and Coach James (who is a therapist and happens to work in addiction and recovery). The memories will last forever.
• I loved supporting those girls and seeing them work hard on their game and start to come together and play really good volleyball, together. We rode some ups and downs. Together. And I’m so proud of them and hope they all continue on and told them I wanted to come watch them play in years to come. My main theme was … help fan the flame of a sport they can play for a long time and enjoy as much as I have. And just be a steady presence. And preach platform platform platform. Talk talk talk. And most of all – do it all TOGETHER. All for one one for all. BUT … I learned just as much from them.
• The championship trophy I will savor in my heart forever …. was having this experience with my girl. Her own ups and downs. Laughter and tears. Her fierce determination. How bad she wanted it, to improve and win. And how she still wants more. The friendships she made. The fun she had. Is always and forever this: I got to do it with her. And we did this together.
• Truly the Capstone and most beautiful start of the week.
• Thank you, Lil J.
• Thank you, Elite OKC girls
• Thank you, Coach James and Director Erica, for giving me the opportunity and teaching me so much
• Thank you, Volleyball …. and thank you, Tulsa.
• You got me exercising and moving …. and realizing, maybe I could still do it …and I really needed that …. and you reminded me of that little flame of joy for playing but really …. coaching. And coaching the next generation. Thank you.

Boulder

So with tears in my eyes and a glowing heart … I got on an airplane.

I’ve been to Boulder four times in my life that marked significant turning points for me.

First trip — In my 20s, working as Creative Director for First Down Publications for our Colorado Buffs magazine – what I remember is walking on the gorgeous campus of the University of Colorado and seeing deer. Later that year, I started as communications director at a church, which lead to a 6-year career and also seminary, then a blog called Church Communications Pro, which led to freelancing in WordPress web design …. and eventually to starting iThemes in 2008.

Second trip — In 2010 when we set out on the epic iThemes RV Roadtrip to WordCamp Boulder. We rented an RV and 7 of us including our dear friend Lisa Sabin-Wilson (God bless her awesomeness) packed into that RV and made the 13-hour roadtrip to Boulder. Epic. Incredible. Told Lindsey that trip was one of the pinnacles of fun and joy at iThemes for me truly living “the treehouse” days. We live streamed with wifi hotspots (maybe Edge cell at that time) to iThemesTV. I punched my fun ticket doing that.

Those. Were. The. Days.

Two months later … I met Lindsey.

Third trip — In February 2020 I was invited to a retreat at Basecamp Hotel for therapists led by Lee McCormick, a legendary founder in the addiction and recovery space. It was FOR therapists but I got as much out of it as anyone. And being in a group of veteran therapists was incredible. Two months later I was working professionally in the mental health space as their playbook got thrown out the window during COVID. And I spent the next year consulting with the treatment center he founded, doing webinars and interviewing clinicians in the field to tell their story. (Building community – which is the essence of marketing to me.) And most importantly, I met my friend Dr. Michael Barta for the first time.

Fourth trip — For my 50th trip, and for a lot of reasons, which were all serependitious, Boulder became my next leg and to spend some time with Dr. Barta. I can’t tell you how much he’s changed my life and how much of a blast it’s been just knowing him. It’s been an honor full of LOL’s to help him with his business, his marketing, his content, all of it, over the years.

And I got to stay at the Basecamp Hotel again in Boulder … again. 6 years later.

I love this hotel because of it’s hiking/camping/outdoors theme throughout. It’s just a magical place to be …. and as close to camping as I want to get!

And a winter snowstorm came in the last day and we got 4-5 inches of snow on our way to the Badlands.

By the way, my favorite store and brand now is REI. I just like to go in the stores and look around. The people are incredibly helpful, just simply sharing their experiences with the gear. And we stopped at REI Boulder before heading up, to supplement our clothing, and so glad we did as it was cold in the Black Hills!

Wyoming and State Capitals

So on our drive from Boulder … and with a nice blanket of snow everywhere, Lindsey saw the sign in Cheyenne for the State Capitol and she said, “We should stop!”

I haven’t set out to check off all the state capitols, but it’s one of my favorite trivia things to ask people (what’s the capital of Vermont? Been there.) …. but conveniently I’ve rualk’d (run-walk) around several state capitals during work travel mainly, some with my WordPress friends. Nashville, Sacramento, and more I can’t remember.

And we got our pic!

Carhenge in Nebraska

This was a complete goofy cool surprise on our drive from Boulder to the Badlands. And completely perfectly ironic as last year I got to go to Stonehenge in England, with my work colleagues at hosting.com.

The lesson for me might be …. remember to not take things so seriously.

Last year at Stonehenge, I was extremely contemplative and wanting to know the deep cultural and life meaning it might represent. (My impression was that it was an ancient burial grounds aligned with the rhythms of the earth and stars in the sky.

Anyway … seeing these Carhenge photos made me smile and just go …. and maybe someone just wanted to make some cool ironic art to make me not take things so seriously.

I love these little surprises along the way. And we had more on the way home.

P.S. — I swear I must have had a toy as a kid like that Jeep in the back of this pic.

The Badlands: Landing on the Moon

The first major marker for me on the trip was planned to be the Badlands. I didn’t know what to think beforehand and when I got there, it was surreal. It was only later when reviewing some photos for this post that I realized how surreal it was being there. When I turned a couple of photos into B&W I instantly got the feeling …. yeah, it was surreal because it was like being on the moon.

It felt for most of it almost monotone – gradients – greyscale effect only with a hint of brown and red.

As I read up on it beforehand, travelers, including the Lakota and others, referred to it as the land that was bad. And the inference was that it was tough to travel through. And being there, I see why.

Barren. Emotionally flat. Erosion. Melting. Slowly. Hint of sad. Twists and turns.

Looking back, it was the ultimate emotional palette cleanser. And one-of-a-kind beauty.

Wind Cave National Park … and yes, that’s the natural entrance of the cave.

Lindsey was looking on the map and realized there were several national parks in the area and one of them that is often overlooked is Wind Cave. She got me a water bottle that has stickers for all the national parks.

In 2022, we got to go to Carlsbad Caverns on a family roadtrip … and it was never on my bucket list … but after going and spending hours and miles wandering in the caves, I put it on and promptly marked it off.

Worthy of a Bucket List trip.

So I jumped at going to Wind Cave.

Of course I had barely planned any of this trip. More so, get on airplane, get rental car and drive … but I did have cabins/rooms at the Badlands and Black Hills, via Sylvan Lake Lodge booked. But that was about it.

So we didn’t have reservations for the tours …. and instead asked where we could see the cave …. and walking up to the “natural entrance” of the cave, which seemed to be a 1 foot in diameter opening …. made for a good laugh and pic.

I had simple goals …. see beautiful, distinct places – stop and take photos of things I was inspired by … and do short hikes.

Crazy Horse Memorial

On our way through the Black Hills, we stopped at the Crazy Horse Memorial. And wow, this stopped me in my tracks.

The story of how it started and came to be … and is still being sculpted is beautiful.

Honoring indigenous peoples and in particular the Lakota.

“The initial request by Chief Henry Standing Bear was to carve a mountain so that the whole world knows that Native Americans have great heroes, too. But I think it didn’t take long for everyone to realize that even though the Mountain that we’re carving is quite large, that the vision and the mission are even bigger.” — Dr. Caleb Ziolkowski, Chief Mountain Officer

You can see this towering, mesmerizing sculpture far away …. and growing up in Oklahoma, doing some consulting for the incredible Chickasaw Nation in 2019, was very special.

At WordCamp Canada in 2024, the organizers did a Land Acknowledgement that was so powerful and something I would like to carry on.

To the indigenous peoples of Oklahoma

To the indigenous peoples of Nebraska and South Dakota

Black Hills and Black Elk Peak

The next big marker was also the focus of my trip — hiking to Black Elk Peak, the tallest summit east of the Rocky Mountains, and to be at the iconic retired Fire Lookout Tower.

I’ve spent most of my life driving to the New Mexico mountains and we had a cabin there 11 years ago and spent a magical summer there in 2015. And much of the Black Hills reminded us of New Mexico, the land of enchantment.

With one big exception — the rocks, boulders, spires.

Heading into the Black Hills we drove through several tight “cave” tunnels that were about 9 by 9 feet. And what an incredible way to get into the Black Hills. At every turn there was an amazing, unique scene of new moutains and rock faces.

When we go back, we intend to hike Cathedral Spires.

We stayed at Sylvan Lake Lodge in Custer State Park. And walking around the lake was like being in a mythical place and got to see the sun set over it.

The next morning, we set on our big hike to Black Elk Peak on Trail No. 9 to reach the summit and loop back on Trail No. 4.

In all it was a 7.5 mile hike and roughly 30 flights of stairs. To say it was “strenuous” is an understatement. At the first mile, we both were wondering (to ourselves), Holy shit, I’m not sure we can do this.

But we did. Together.

I had put so much energy and focus into the actual summit — named about a Lakota shaman who had a vision at 9 years old and told in the book Black Elk Speaks.

And that iconic fire tower, built by the Civilian Conversation Corps, at the top was my focus. I gotta say it was incredible. But emotionally it landed kind of neutral for me. It was darker rock and hollow and empty. And it reminded me of my office at iThemes in the last couple of years where the team was running the business and I was there just waiting for a fire to break out.

My dad was a firefighter for a couple of years in Ardmore, Oklahoma, my birth place. And he said over the years how it was the best job he ever had.

Honestly, I didn’t have any incredible insights or “visions” which I was hoping for ….. because the WHOLE trip was the gift. Every single thing. And I got to be there. Do the thing.

And more so the hike up and down – the ascent and descent – with Lindsey was the true gift.

I did it. She did it. WE did it, together. Like we have life for the past 15 years.

And I’m so thankful for her. I needed her. I think she needed me on this hike.

On the way down, we just kept going. Somehow.

And then a surprise gift about halfway down just hit me …. a rock/boulder which I said to myself: The Elder.

It looked to me as a tall elder looking onward, kind of in a clearing, surrounded by a cathedral of spires and rocks. It was … enchanting.

As we kept going I saw some cars and thought it was OUR parking lot … only to realize, our car was at least half a mile more away.

A couple years ago, especially after I broke my big toe in my left foot running in the backyard with my kids, that preceded my 6-month burnout … I’d have laughed in your face if you said I did this 7.5 mile hike.

But I did. We did. Together.

Thank you, Lindsey, my love, my Venus.

Heading Home

To get back for Mother’s Day, with our beloved mama in the passenger seat, we got back in the car, took some breaths and started the 12-hour drive home.

For all the roadtrip drive, Lindsey had downloaded podcasts like National Park in the Dark and more. And they were entertaining and interesting. And she was DJ and was an excellent one for music.

On the way home, she goes, OK I found a cool little thing, wanna go?

YES!

Rock City

The first was Rock City.

I was blown away. These balls of boulders everywhere, with unique descriptions like Bath Tub, Lounge Chair, Lips and more. So freakin’ cool.

Kansas and The Geographical Center of the United States

So I’m driving along the highway at 70 mph …. and I see “historical marker 1 mile ahead” and think, “Hmm, what could that be.”

Then I see — Geographical Center of the United States!

YES YES YES!

I kind of jarring hit the brakes and spook Lindsey. But I had to stand at the center of the US and take a pic.

OK, according to the sign we were like 3 miles from it. But it still counts!

The Return: Home in Oklahoma

We’ve always said … home is where we are. And we missed our kiddos and two rascal puppies.

So we finally got back to Edmond, Oklahoma, which I now fondly call my hometown. My son and soon my daughter go to school about a block away from the University of Central Oklahoam where I mentioned I went to college (the first time).

Edmond is a special place to me. It’s where I became an “adult.” Or started. It’s where iThemes was born. It’s our home now. Where our kids will graduate from. And launch from.

And where my new beloved Back Porch is …. where I can sit in the sun, journal, and wrangle puppies. It’s often the backdrop for my work videos.

Final Thoughts

The end is just the beginning.